AlyssaV

so I have lost 19 lbs since coming back from AZ. down to 186 from 205. I still have 16 lbs to go before I reach my “naked weight”, which is the weight at which I am comfortable taking pictures, wearing lingerie, going out of doors in bathing suits, that sort of thing. or just generally being naked around other people, which happens occasionally. in the meantime, the temperature in my hometown has gone up significantly since my trip, from almost-freezing to 32 degrees C. the days have lengthened, from about 3 hours of daylight to roughly 15. I’m digging the vitamin D and serotonin, and I very much appreciate not having to shovel crap for hours just to be able to leave my house. although I enjoy the sunlight and foliage and blooms, I am not really sure how I feel about the whole business. it all comes back to the naked weight.

being thin can have its advantages, or so I’m told. I get the idea that really skinny people are at a disadvantage in the winter; I’m always teasing my perennially cold coworkers that their misery is because “you have no body fat”. when it’s cold, it doesn’t matter if you’re fat because fat insulates your internal organs against the ravages of the weather. all I ever needed was a sweater, a jacket and sometimes a hat and I’d be set. in the heat, not so much. fat is a liability. fat makes your heart work harder, raising your heart rate and thus your temperature, which stresses you out in the heat, which raises your heart beat even more. many fat people I know don’t want to remove a lot of clothes when it gets that hot; I myself am loathe to part with my jeans and sweatpants. thus, I am very excited to get back down to my naked weight so I can start walking around in skimpy garments again without being wrestled to the ground and taken to the humane society by well-meaning passersby.

I had already had a taste of the “oh-noes-no-sweatpants-allowed” panic in Arizona. 205 lbs in 95F/35C desert heat is not as bad as it sounds. for one, although I am pretty big, I’m still not that big. I have a large bone structure and I am tall enough that I still don’t have to shop plus sizes even past the 200 mark (but still a bit too close for comfort). so while I couldn’t find a pair of cut-off shorts that looked good, a size Large sundress from some preppy store like American Eagle and two size Large caftan-type things from Old Navy did me just fine. secondly, as I’m sure you’ve already heard, Arizona has “dry heat”. which means that when you are outside in the sun, it’s hot, but it won’t crush you. it just burns your eyeballs and sucks the moisture out of your throat. you sweat, but the sweat dries and makes you cooler. you won’t die as long as you have water. fat people have lots of moisture in their fat cells so again, this is an advantage.

NOT SO in Canada, my friends. not only do we get precipitation more than once a year, but I’m sandwiched in between two Great Lakes and a giant waterfall. so 32C/90F oppresses you. even though you know you’re not going to die, you probably still want to. the heat is full of evaporated water and it somehow makes everything worse, like forever walking in circles inside a bathroom while someone’s taking a shower. it sticks to your body and makes every texture offensive, except that of cool water. it gets into your clothes and drags and sticks as you pull them on, or off. it covers you with a slick sheen of sweat, oil, and god knows what else. the sweat doesn’t dry. it coats you like a varnish. the prettiest sundress sticks to your thighs, rides up the crack of your ass and collects sweat in the hollows under your breasts, embarrassing you with a dishevelled, dirty, smelly, miserable parody of you at your fashionable best. your hair sticks to your face and your makeup melts. there is no way to be comfortable.

this is why the naked weight is important. if there’s nothing I can wear to be comfortable, then I will just wear nothing. luckily, I live in a basement, which is a step in the right direction. it’s very cool, while damp, and it’s also discreet. I have also already invested in some Deep Woods spray so that I won’t get bitten in bad places by the mosquitoes that breed in the conservation area less than half a kilometre away. luckily, it is legal in Ontario for women to go topless, so I know I’m not going to get arrested. now let’s hope that, come July, I’ve made it down to Naked Weight so they won’t also mistake me for a beached manatee and throw me in the back of the SPCA van to speed me to watery safety.