AlyssaV

take a look at this article, if you’d like:


http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2008/05/01/crime-bill.html


basically, the age of consent in Canada has been raised from 14 to 16.  there’s a “close in age” exception, meaning a minor can sleep with someone within 5 years of their age.  I think this is a pretty good plan.  it scares me to think of 14 year olds sleeping with 20 year olds, much less men in their 30s, 40s and beyond.  a girl develops so much in her teen years, physically, emotionally, and mentally, that a 14 year old is worlds away from an 18 year old in terms of maturity.  at least by 16, presumably you would have completed sex ed and have a little more of your bearings in the world.  I say this as someone who lost her virginity at age 15.


I noticed some sad, misguided commenters on the cbc website recommending that teenagers be taught “abstinence only”.  how tragic.  do you know what would HAPPEN if we started doing that?  I’d probably have gotten pregnant, for one thing.  abstinence education doesn’t deter people from having sex.  having a crazy stalker dad who tried to have my lovers arrested didn’t deter me from having sex either. and my particular crazy stalker dad was waaaay scarier than the idea of God shaking his fist at you from the heavens, let me tell you.


having sex killed my relationship with my first love.  neither I nor my 16-year-old boyfriend were really emotionally equipped to deal with our insecurities and other issues.  I was dealing with bulimia, and he was dealing with some other things that made it hard for him to be intimate.  as a result, our sexual experiences were largely negative and the relationship ended.  at the time, I mourned this, as he was, of course, my first serious boyfriend, my first love, my first EVERYTHING.  however, in retrospect, that was the best possible thing that could have happened.  I actually wish we had broken up sooner. the relationship had to end because we never would have grown as people had we stayed together.  the relationship had to end because we weren’t good for each other.  we didn’t have the same values, desires, or outlook on life. this became very, very clear once we started having sex.


now, what do you think would have happened if I had waited to have sex until we had married, as per Christian recommendations?


in that case, I would have been legally bound to someone who had never seen a naked woman before except on tv and in (I assume) pornographic images.  as a result, he saw my body as flawed.  he had never seen breasts before, and thought mine irregular and odd looking.  as soon as he saw my naked thighs, he told me I needed to start exercising.  this devastated me, and made my eating disorder worse as I tried to conform to the cute little cheerleader image he preferred. 
he refused to use lubricant because he didn’t believe it was necessarily for arousal.  he thought that I should be wet enough, if I were really attracted to him.  in reality, few women get *that* wet and lubrication helps enhance pleasure and avoid pain for the female.  because he had no sexual experience, my boyfriend didn’t get it.  and I didn’t know any better, either.  I thought there was something wrong with me.


he wouldn’t try new things with me, as he had a very narrow definition of what was “normal”.  had we waited till marriage, I would probably still be doing it in the missionary position, without foreplay, thinking this was the only “right” way to do it.  and I never would have lost my gay virginity because he didn’t support me expressing my attraction to women in a physical manner. I never would have realized a lot of things about myself, and I never would have found the empowerment through sex that I discovered later. all of these things, plus my feelings of freakishness and inadequacy took a toll on me, and just made me more emotional and insecure.  I looked to him for support, and he couldn’t give it, because of his own issues with sex.  my sexuality became a shameful thing, a barometer of my failure as a girlfriend and as a female in general.  I felt like an oddity for wanting it so much, and felt slighted when he denied me.  we went for months and months at a time without having sex.  had I not moved on and slept with other people, I never would have discovered what I actually liked.  I never would have discovered my own capability for self-confidence.  I never would have realized my dominant streak, or acted out many fantasies. 


at 145 lbs, he thought I was overweight, and so did I. now, at 195 lbs, I feel sexier and more desirable than I ever have. had I not moved on and experienced different partners, I never would have met people who affirmed me and liked my body the way I was; I believe that meeting men and women who were truly attracted to me at every weight has helped to heal my eating issues.  through that, I learned also that desire is fluid and has many forms.  I never would have realized that my shape, my size, my desires were all completely normal, or at least as normal as everyone else’s.  and I wouldn’t have clued in to the fact that it was possible to be treated better.  I didn’t have to put up with the things he said and the way he made me feel, but I didn’t know that then.  and if we had waited till marriage, I would have already been his wife by the time I found out.  it would have been much harder, emotionally and legally, to get away.


sex isn’t the only part of a successful relationship, but don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t vital.  it can speak volumes about who a person really is and what they want.  it can be a mode of self expression, a way to wordlessly say so much that doesn’t usually come up in conversation.  and it allows you to figure out who you are, too.   at 15, I definitely wasn’t ready to have sex with an adult, much less be in an adult relationship.  but had I waited till adulthood and marriage, I wouldn’t be ready either.