AlyssaV

so after having the Best Weekend Ever, everything else seems pretty dull. especially when you are working midnight shifts and you only see your boyfriend for half an hour a day when you live with him. and the sun is a distant rumour. and it is always cool and dark where you are, like a cellar. and the only people you come in contact with are your five sad and lame macho coworkers who also never see the sun and thus are trying to make up for their lack of serotonin by comparing biceps and holding contests to see who can eat the most Big Macs in one sitting. they wish they could be cops but don’t quite qualify for Cop School. should we give these people guns? ask Stephen Harper.

the only proof I have that it is summer is the vegetation in my garden. huge heads of lettuce, giant herb bushes, tomatoes growing round and pregnant on their vines, zucchini blossoms exploding vibrant orange even at night. oh, and the huge fucking spiders lurking EVERYWHERE at night. because there are no huge fucking spiders waiting to assassinate you in the dead of winter.

not too much is really new. I have a killer year ahead of me, and not in a good way. don’t get me wrong, things are really good because I’ve FINALLY chosen what will happen to me after I FINALLY graduate in 2009, and I know I have the balls to make it happen. it’s just going to be a fuckload of work. I’ve decided I’m going to do my Masters in Public History at Carleton after I’m finished at Brock,. I’ve spent the last week disqualifying myself for any jobs I had previously naïvely applied to, because now I’m getting invited to interviews for work at lonely border crossings in rural Saskatchewan, which is kind of not the plan. I have to take 5.5 credits this year, which is more than I’ve EVER taken at one time, even more than the first 5 credits of my first year (also at Carleton, in the criminology program) when I never went to class anyway. the kicker is that I have to somehow get 80’s or better in every single class. I am smart and I know this, but I am also very lazy, and thus have enjoyed a straight B average for the last 5 years. now I’ve gotta strap it on.

Carleton will be interesting, after so many years. I miss it, and love it. I miss Ottawa. I miss the fact that they actually have a lgbt scene. I miss the events and culture and concerts and restaurants and reliable public transit. I miss the tunnels and the canal and the O-Train and smoking outside while admiring the bizarre architecture on campus. I quit smoking (again, ha) as of two days ago but I might have to sneak a cig outside the Loeb building or the library or on the canal bank by Russell, just for old times sake. I look forward to going back. it’s like a salve on my soul. I’m glad I got away when I did, though. and I doubt I’ll be going to Celebration while I’m there. because a lot of things have changed and a lot really haven’t.

but in the meantime, I have changed, and that’s important, because I don’t think I could have gone back if I hadn’t. well, circumstances are different too. so many stressors have disappeared or been resolved. for those that aren’t, I am confident that I can beat them because I have become so strong.

much of my family drama has been resolved, which leaves me with a more stable base. I’ve also emotionally disengaged myself from it, so even if it does erupt again, I know that it won’t affect me as much. I’ve realized my family needs to deal with their own issues without using me as a crutch.
I’m also in a stable relationship. Albano loves the idea of Ottawa, so we will probably move up there together, depending on how things go. even if he doesn’t, for whatever reason, I am still so excited to be there whether alone or part of a pair. what a huge change from the scared, inexperienced, lonely girl who kept getting manipulated by so many people. it’s as if people saw my teenage self hurting, and took advantage of that to try and mold me into something they wanted me to be. part of me recognized that and shied away from it, and yet part of me needed someone so bad that I put up with it.

it kind of bothers me that it has taken this long to become self-assured and confident in my ass-kicking abilities. I went to Carleton for the wrong reasons (I liked Ottawa and I wanted to be far away from home) and I also left it for the wrong reasons (the pressure of the church drama was becoming too much to bear… and the Jeff-drama… and the crazy-dad drama). will it be different now that I’m going for an awesome program? now that I’m in a good place in my life? now that I’m out with all aspects of my sexuality (knowing that I am pansexual, genderqueer, inclined towards polygamy) and not being asked to apologize for it? now that I’ve found my mysterious disappearing work ethic and study habits and direction and self-confidence that have been noticeably absent for 4 of my 6 undergrad years? now that I’m no longer depressed, lonely, self-destructive, and lost?

it’s still more than a year ahead. thinking about being there, doing that, is a salve on any anxiety I might have. but the most healing thing about it is that I will be there as a different person. no longer scared, hurting, angry, easily used or manipulated. I feel self-assured and solid. I’m going to kick that program’s ass! because I am finally going to be happy. it’s strange, I was so psyched when I first got there. and yet I remember those years at Carleton to be very dark and strange and cold. the upcoming years won’t be.