no way, no how, no mccain!
so I shaved my head, but then I started growing it back because I gained too much weight and started looking like Perez Hilton.
then it was at this awkward mullet stage… give me some flannel, and I woulda been all set.
THEN I cut off the mulletty part and I looked like a fat version of John Mayer before he started dating Jennifer Aniston.
a couple weeks ago I got it professionally done for the first time since… sometime in 2006. the stylist or hair technician or whatever did a great job and made it look like an actual deliberate style. but since I don’t own or want a straightener, I’ve just been blowdrying it and putting some product in it.
just now we were watching the Democratic National Convention, and I had a shocking revelation: I have the Hillary cut! minus the wrinkles and the sketchbag husband, we could be twins!
her highlights are sassier, though.
Fred Phelps is at it again
Westboro Baptist Church members enter Canada, aiming to picket bus victim’s funeral
they better feel lucky he didn’t try to cross when I was working.
I would have tore a strip off them. I would have told them that they makes me ashamed to say the word ‘Christian’ because it links my beliefs to their twisted, masochistic hate rhetoric. I would have told them they have never seen the face of God. then I would have led them into the back and pulled on some latex gloves for a special examination of my own.
God hates your rectum, motherfucker.
“It” Bags
yeah I totally bought the bag! and I put it away in my closet until I can find an appropriate occasion to prance around with it.
luckily albano is not a slave to accessories, or life would be ridiculous. instead he just really likes stuff with lots of buttons and dials, like calculators and watches and plasma cauldrons.
Plan B
I fully plan to get 90’s in all ten classes this year (one full-credit class, nine half-credits). however, I’m aware that I have to submit my transcripts to the Masters people in January, which means that my past crappy marks will appear to outweigh my future amazing marks. I have accepted the possibility that I may not get into grad school right away for this reason. therefore, my “plan B” is this:
- get awesome marks
- collect sexy-lookin tax return in april
- work final 2 months at current job
- do J’Explore program in July and August
- optional step: trade in Sunfire for molestor van
- collect a large stack of books in both french and english
- load all important documentation, scans of ID, photo memories, etc, onto huge memory stick
- make notes from this blog entry on how to be homeless
- put shit in storage or in parents’ basement
- take off in September for a North America-wide road trip (basically, until the money runs out)
- find internet café in January to reapply for Master’s program
- get into Master’s program
- return to parents’ home in Ottawa around August
- go back to school!
Meatballs
so after having the Best Weekend Ever, everything else seems pretty dull. especially when you are working midnight shifts and you only see your boyfriend for half an hour a day when you live with him. and the sun is a distant rumour. and it is always cool and dark where you are, like a cellar. and the only people you come in contact with are your five sad and lame macho coworkers who also never see the sun and thus are trying to make up for their lack of serotonin by comparing biceps and holding contests to see who can eat the most Big Macs in one sitting. they wish they could be cops but don’t quite qualify for Cop School. should we give these people guns? ask Stephen Harper.
the only proof I have that it is summer is the vegetation in my garden. huge heads of lettuce, giant herb bushes, tomatoes growing round and pregnant on their vines, zucchini blossoms exploding vibrant orange even at night. oh, and the huge fucking spiders lurking EVERYWHERE at night. because there are no huge fucking spiders waiting to assassinate you in the dead of winter.
not too much is really new. I have a killer year ahead of me, and not in a good way. don’t get me wrong, things are really good because I’ve FINALLY chosen what will happen to me after I FINALLY graduate in 2009, and I know I have the balls to make it happen. it’s just going to be a fuckload of work. I’ve decided I’m going to do my Masters in Public History at Carleton after I’m finished at Brock,. I’ve spent the last week disqualifying myself for any jobs I had previously naïvely applied to, because now I’m getting invited to interviews for work at lonely border crossings in rural Saskatchewan, which is kind of not the plan. I have to take 5.5 credits this year, which is more than I’ve EVER taken at one time, even more than the first 5 credits of my first year (also at Carleton, in the criminology program) when I never went to class anyway. the kicker is that I have to somehow get 80’s or better in every single class. I am smart and I know this, but I am also very lazy, and thus have enjoyed a straight B average for the last 5 years. now I’ve gotta strap it on.
Carleton will be interesting, after so many years. I miss it, and love it. I miss Ottawa. I miss the fact that they actually have a lgbt scene. I miss the events and culture and concerts and restaurants and reliable public transit. I miss the tunnels and the canal and the O-Train and smoking outside while admiring the bizarre architecture on campus. I quit smoking (again, ha) as of two days ago but I might have to sneak a cig outside the Loeb building or the library or on the canal bank by Russell, just for old times sake. I look forward to going back. it’s like a salve on my soul. I’m glad I got away when I did, though. and I doubt I’ll be going to Celebration while I’m there. because a lot of things have changed and a lot really haven’t.
but in the meantime, I have changed, and that’s important, because I don’t think I could have gone back if I hadn’t. well, circumstances are different too. so many stressors have disappeared or been resolved. for those that aren’t, I am confident that I can beat them because I have become so strong.
much of my family drama has been resolved, which leaves me with a more stable base. I’ve also emotionally disengaged myself from it, so even if it does erupt again, I know that it won’t affect me as much. I’ve realized my family needs to deal with their own issues without using me as a crutch.
I’m also in a stable relationship. Albano loves the idea of Ottawa, so we will probably move up there together, depending on how things go. even if he doesn’t, for whatever reason, I am still so excited to be there whether alone or part of a pair. what a huge change from the scared, inexperienced, lonely girl who kept getting manipulated by so many people. it’s as if people saw my teenage self hurting, and took advantage of that to try and mold me into something they wanted me to be. part of me recognized that and shied away from it, and yet part of me needed someone so bad that I put up with it.
it kind of bothers me that it has taken this long to become self-assured and confident in my ass-kicking abilities. I went to Carleton for the wrong reasons (I liked Ottawa and I wanted to be far away from home) and I also left it for the wrong reasons (the pressure of the church drama was becoming too much to bear… and the Jeff-drama… and the crazy-dad drama). will it be different now that I’m going for an awesome program? now that I’m in a good place in my life? now that I’m out with all aspects of my sexuality (knowing that I am pansexual, genderqueer, inclined towards polygamy) and not being asked to apologize for it? now that I’ve found my mysterious disappearing work ethic and study habits and direction and self-confidence that have been noticeably absent for 4 of my 6 undergrad years? now that I’m no longer depressed, lonely, self-destructive, and lost?
it’s still more than a year ahead. thinking about being there, doing that, is a salve on any anxiety I might have. but the most healing thing about it is that I will be there as a different person. no longer scared, hurting, angry, easily used or manipulated. I feel self-assured and solid. I’m going to kick that program’s ass! because I am finally going to be happy. it’s strange, I was so psyched when I first got there. and yet I remember those years at Carleton to be very dark and strange and cold. the upcoming years won’t be.
the best long weekend evar!
here are the awesome things I did on my long weekend:
- since it is the first weekend I’ve had off in like seven years, I made sure to hang out with everyone I’ve ever met. actually I didn’t plan it, but it accidentally happened because I know so many queer people and they were all at Pride. high school friends, exes, coworkers, even old university peers who used to do recreational drugs with me! they were all there!
I ran into Richard, Jess Blair (!!!), James, and Maaike, and was able to hang out with Nyree the whole night. I also got to meet lots of friends of friends and significant others that I have heard about for so long. it was awesome.
- I got really drunk and was assaulted by a homeless man. actually, I think he was mad because he wasn’t really homeless, just crazy, and resented that I thought he was homeless. then I tried to hug him to make up for offending him, and he pushed me and I fell over. then he followed up when we tried to leave, so Nyree and I had to use Stealth Ninja Skills to escape.
99% of the time, I don’t want ANYONE touching me, except Albano sometimes. I even freak out when my mom touches me. but when I’m wasted it’s a whole new ball game and I can fondle homeless guys, as if they don’t have syphilis and aren’t trying to steal my smokes.
- I got together with my friend Trevor who I haven’t seen since like 2005, and we hit the museum on Saturday. we saw everything from modern art installations to ancient egyptian artifacts to dinosaur skeletons. it was pretty awesome especially since I love dinosaurs. I took lots of pictures. I was also inspired by some aboriginal art we saw, specifically Sam Ash’s “Loneliness and Desire”. I may get it tattooed on me in the near future. anyway, then we wandered Toronto, looked at stuff, got coffee and just chatted. it was truly an enjoyable time.
- Pride Week in Toronto is like a magic theme park. all the store displays and grocery aisles and apartment balconies are adorned with rainbows, and all the people are in a really good mood and are trying to have sex with each other mostly. and lots of people are naked or pretty much naked. there are strippers dancing, drag queens dancing, lesbians dancing while spinning fire sticks, and so many PEOPLE dancing in the streets! the energy is just amazing. the drag queens always make me feel like an inferior female specimen because they are so much hotter than I am, but the fire lesbian was sexy and made me want to chase her around and do stuff to her. sexy stuff.
- I finally met an online friend in person! it was awesome, if a little bit surreal. we actually met on the same website where I met Albano, and she and I became close friends and have been talking regularly for over a year. we went to the Pride Parade and had a fabulous time. also we went to a Korean barbecue and ate lots of meat together, but not in a porn way. it was such a crazy day. I’m still not really over it. she’s intelligent and charismatic to the point that it’s intoxicating. she is unbelievably gorgeous, like her pictures x10000. and she has the sweetest voice, the most impressive vocabulary, the cleverest fashion sense and the bangingest figure ever… it was like some kind of magical fantasy made real! except I was still hung over from the homeless man thing so I looked like ass while she looked incredible.
- Sunday evening Albano and I went to visit his BFF Tim, and Tim’s girlfriend Carlene. the four of us literally talked for hours. no eating, no stopping except grudging bathroom breaks. it was so exhilarating, to have four sharp minds in a room just bouncing off each other from one topic to the next, periodically erupting into laughter. it makes me feel so special to know people who can arouse me, mentally, who can make me feel like I enjoy life by showing me what there is to appreciate from the human mind. those four or five hours of conversation really hit the spot after weeks of mindlessly processing travellers!
- yesterday was Canada Day which usually means fireworks. but Albano and I were burnt out so I created a hamster fortress for my creatures and he set up his surround sound system and hoped that no neighbour hooligans would set the lawn on fire with their exploding projectiles. and then we had incredible, mind-blowing sex on the couch. then later I barbecued some chicken, some of which was horribly burnt but some of which was also delicious. we watched a movie and then I fell asleep with my sweetie. it was a fantastic way to end the weekend.
- I have a new goal for next year’s Pride: I will be one of the topless women taking advantage of Ontario’s legislation which makes it legal to go completely bare from the waist up. I am still 11 lbs away from Naked Weight, but Wandering-Topless-In-Public-Weight is still a far bit away. I am confident I can do it in a year’s time, though. it is my motivation for looking hot! then I will have lesbians and homeless men chasing me down the street, instead of vice versa.
- and finally, this guy was the star of the parade:
Savages!
From this week’s “Savage Love” column by Dan Savage:
Homos are marrying in California as of this week (congrats to all), and should a tornado—or an earthquake or a meteor or the Incredible Hulk—flatten, say, San Francisco’s City Hall during a big gay wedding, respected leaders of the religious right will rush to cable broadcast studios to insist that the tornado/earthquake/meteor/Hulk was God’s divine judgment, His righteous wrath, the Baby Jesus’s latest temper tantrum, wocka wocka wocka.
“I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing,” said the Rev. John Hagee, John McCain’s ex-BFF, when asked about Hurricane Katrina, which struck New Orleans just before a “massive homosexual rally,” aka an annual street party called “Southern Decadence,” was supposed to take place in the French Quarter. “I believe that the Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment. And I believe that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans.”
And God got his way: By drowning little old ladies in attics in the Ninth Ward, God prevented that massive gay rally—for one year.
So how does a douchebag like Hagee explain away the tragedy in Iowa last week? A tornado struck a Boy Scout camp, killing four and injuring scores more, and the Scouts are famously antigay and antiatheist. Well, we need only to consult the same interview with Rev. Hagee to learn the answer: While all natural phenomena represent God’s “permissible will,” says Hagee, “it is wrong to say that every natural disaster is the result of sin… No man on Earth knows the mind of God.”
See how that works? Not every natural disaster is the result of sin, you see, because sometimes natural disasters happen to us, not just to them, and when they happen to us, well, the Lord sure moves in mysterious ways, and no man on Earth knows the mind of God. But let a natural disaster strike San Francisco this week, next week, or ever again, and Rev. Hagee will be able to read the mind of God like it was a large-print edition of Highlights for Children.
PRIDE TORONTO
is anyone going to the parade?
I have that weekend off for the first time in my entire life! someone take me with you!
Fat in the Hot Summer Sun
so I have lost 19 lbs since coming back from AZ. down to 186 from 205. I still have 16 lbs to go before I reach my “naked weight”, which is the weight at which I am comfortable taking pictures, wearing lingerie, going out of doors in bathing suits, that sort of thing. or just generally being naked around other people, which happens occasionally. in the meantime, the temperature in my hometown has gone up significantly since my trip, from almost-freezing to 32 degrees C. the days have lengthened, from about 3 hours of daylight to roughly 15. I’m digging the vitamin D and serotonin, and I very much appreciate not having to shovel crap for hours just to be able to leave my house. although I enjoy the sunlight and foliage and blooms, I am not really sure how I feel about the whole business. it all comes back to the naked weight.
being thin can have its advantages, or so I’m told. I get the idea that really skinny people are at a disadvantage in the winter; I’m always teasing my perennially cold coworkers that their misery is because “you have no body fat”. when it’s cold, it doesn’t matter if you’re fat because fat insulates your internal organs against the ravages of the weather. all I ever needed was a sweater, a jacket and sometimes a hat and I’d be set. in the heat, not so much. fat is a liability. fat makes your heart work harder, raising your heart rate and thus your temperature, which stresses you out in the heat, which raises your heart beat even more. many fat people I know don’t want to remove a lot of clothes when it gets that hot; I myself am loathe to part with my jeans and sweatpants. thus, I am very excited to get back down to my naked weight so I can start walking around in skimpy garments again without being wrestled to the ground and taken to the humane society by well-meaning passersby.
I had already had a taste of the “oh-noes-no-sweatpants-allowed” panic in Arizona. 205 lbs in 95F/35C desert heat is not as bad as it sounds. for one, although I am pretty big, I’m still not that big. I have a large bone structure and I am tall enough that I still don’t have to shop plus sizes even past the 200 mark (but still a bit too close for comfort). so while I couldn’t find a pair of cut-off shorts that looked good, a size Large sundress from some preppy store like American Eagle and two size Large caftan-type things from Old Navy did me just fine. secondly, as I’m sure you’ve already heard, Arizona has “dry heat”. which means that when you are outside in the sun, it’s hot, but it won’t crush you. it just burns your eyeballs and sucks the moisture out of your throat. you sweat, but the sweat dries and makes you cooler. you won’t die as long as you have water. fat people have lots of moisture in their fat cells so again, this is an advantage.
NOT SO in Canada, my friends. not only do we get precipitation more than once a year, but I’m sandwiched in between two Great Lakes and a giant waterfall. so 32C/90F oppresses you. even though you know you’re not going to die, you probably still want to. the heat is full of evaporated water and it somehow makes everything worse, like forever walking in circles inside a bathroom while someone’s taking a shower. it sticks to your body and makes every texture offensive, except that of cool water. it gets into your clothes and drags and sticks as you pull them on, or off. it covers you with a slick sheen of sweat, oil, and god knows what else. the sweat doesn’t dry. it coats you like a varnish. the prettiest sundress sticks to your thighs, rides up the crack of your ass and collects sweat in the hollows under your breasts, embarrassing you with a dishevelled, dirty, smelly, miserable parody of you at your fashionable best. your hair sticks to your face and your makeup melts. there is no way to be comfortable.
this is why the naked weight is important. if there’s nothing I can wear to be comfortable, then I will just wear nothing. luckily, I live in a basement, which is a step in the right direction. it’s very cool, while damp, and it’s also discreet. I have also already invested in some Deep Woods spray so that I won’t get bitten in bad places by the mosquitoes that breed in the conservation area less than half a kilometre away. luckily, it is legal in Ontario for women to go topless, so I know I’m not going to get arrested. now let’s hope that, come July, I’ve made it down to Naked Weight so they won’t also mistake me for a beached manatee and throw me in the back of the SPCA van to speed me to watery safety.
I am tired
thus ends the sixth day out of ELEVEN shifts.
luckily four days of that is refresher training (ie. How To Handcuff People and Beat Them With Sticks) which is fun, if a bit ridiculous. two of my work friends are in it with me and we just giggle and insult each other all the live-long day. also I have a slight crush on one of my instructors, but only because he is stocky and bald and has facial hair… like Albano. who incidentally I have seen for about an hour and a half over the last week or so.
I have four days off starting this Monday. I was going to have bus adventures but then I realized I have no money. I do, however, have a bunch of half-drunk gin bottles in my freezer. so I think I’m going to work on eradicating those so I won’t be tempted when I start my new paleo diet in June.
in a nutshell: I plan to be drunk for at least two of those four days. and I plan to come online and type some shit at the computer. that’s why I miss livejournal - drunk entries just seemed right.
alyssav