I am tired
thus ends the sixth day out of ELEVEN shifts.
luckily four days of that is refresher training (ie. How To Handcuff People and Beat Them With Sticks) which is fun, if a bit ridiculous. two of my work friends are in it with me and we just giggle and insult each other all the live-long day. also I have a slight crush on one of my instructors, but only because he is stocky and bald and has facial hair… like Albano. who incidentally I have seen for about an hour and a half over the last week or so.
I have four days off starting this Monday. I was going to have bus adventures but then I realized I have no money. I do, however, have a bunch of half-drunk gin bottles in my freezer. so I think I’m going to work on eradicating those so I won’t be tempted when I start my new paleo diet in June.
in a nutshell: I plan to be drunk for at least two of those four days. and I plan to come online and type some shit at the computer. that’s why I miss livejournal - drunk entries just seemed right.
cigars
the guys I work with have this bizarre obsession with cigars. sometimes the supervisors will be standing around outside just smoking cigars. I thought that was funny, until today when I went outside and saw my 22-year-old coworkers smoking Swisher Sweets.
how does one go from not smoking at all, to smoking mini CIGARS of all things? at least with cigarettes the wicked nicotine addiction makes it attractive.
ludicrous.
premarital sex 6: I totally just had some.
and it was very, very good. in fact, it was delicious.
I am in love, which is something I thought I’d never attain. like many screwed-up women who come from dysfunctional families, I had low self-esteem and thought no one would ever want me. then my confidence grew as I grew, to the point that I thought I would never want anyone else. I couldn’t imagine spending my whole life with one person. I revelled in the freedom of singleness. and, as another result of my dysfunctional family, I didn’t see marriage as desirable. my parents never seemed happy, even after 25 years of marriage and five children they are still trying to figure out what they want (and it’s not each other, it seems). why would I put myself through that?
meeting albano shocked me. neither of us expected or wanted a serious relationship when we met, but while the insane sexual chemistry kicked our asses, our instant emotional and mental connection is what made it stick. he is my best friend. we are so similar in so many ways. we have so many desires and appetites in common. we get each others’ senses of humour, which surprised both of us, since others usually find us eccentric and bizarre. most importantly, we share the same core values and have the same goals for our lives. we’ve both already confirmed to each other that we want to be together for the long haul, until one of us dies.
so why not get married?
hmm, why not indeed? I would love nothing more than to have a big, sassy wedding to celebrate our love and show the world that we’re together. but, as university students living below poverty level, neither of us has extra cash lying around to procure a marriage license, much less pay for a wedding. it would be ridiculous. and we don’t exactly have the time, either. we both want to finish school and pay off some debt before we’re legally bound to each other. neither of us sees a huge rush right now… we are living together, but don’t necessarily want to fund a ceremony or huge social gig till we can both comfortably afford the time and money.
so we live together, without being married, and we’re having sex.
to be honest it didn’t occur to me to even think about waiting till marriage to have sex. you can see PMS episodes #1 through #4 for the reasons why. and besides, I’ve got to say, I’m a little confused… what does “marriage” mean exactly? when we say “sex before marriage” are we referring to the days-long wedding bashes that happened in Jesus’ day, with tons of feasting and celebrating and drinking? if so, how come no one does that? or do we mean Catholic-style marriages (and if so, at what point did wedding parties like the one Jesus went to at Cana turn into the dull ceremonies of the RC church? who made that change?)?
or is it sufficient to just go to city hall, then have a kegger in the backyard? is city hall even necessary? did God write Canadian law books, too? or can we just have the kegger and announce to everyone that we’re totally committed?
the thing is, paternity plays a smaller role in life these days. in modern times, men are more likely to make their own fortune rather than having it handed down, if they happen to be a firstborn son. a person’s number of children no longer dictates their virility or their favour with the gods, nor does it make or break the success of the family farm. women can now easily and independently support themselves for their whole lives, without ever marrying, having children or having to become a prostitute. if a woman has sex before marriage, she is just as likely to be married as her virgin sisters, and she’ll probably be allowed to choose her own spouse these days, too. marriage is no longer a financial transaction, a political move or a necessary act of survival. if a woman has a baby out of wedlock, she won’t be stoned to death or shamed forever by her village. and if she is raped, she won’t be punished (but her attacker will). a woman’s virginity has ceased to become a huge issue, and marriage has become just one of many socially acceptable ways to legitimize a relationship. man, things have changed since Israel in 30 c.e.!!!
I guess in the past, having a giant shindig was a good way to show everyone that this man ‘owned’ this woman (and her future spawn), and they probably wouldn’t forget it after feasting and partying for days. the whole village would know because of the huge ceremony that had taken place. now, we have this nifty new mode of communication called the internet which makes communication all the more efficient. so I might as well do that here… Albano and I are committed. mind, body, soul.
thank God and Al Gore for the internet!
anyways, one way that we celebrate our commitment is through sex.
I do admit that I have achieved a new depth of sexual enjoyment. it’s so sweet and healing to look up into the eyes of someone you adore, who cares about you. it becomes more than an exciting expulsion of fluids — it’s that, with this added intensity, with this satisfaction knowing you are joined with the one you love, and bringing him pleasure, and knowing that he loves you and loves bringing you pleasure. I know these things. and guess what? omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent God knows them, too. He’s seen what we went through, He knows how we feel, and I’d be willing to bet He’s satisfied. if He tells me otherwise, I’ll change accordingly.
premarital sex, part 5: sex will change your life!
take a look at this article, if you’d like:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2008/05/01/crime-bill.html
basically, the age of consent in Canada has been raised from 14 to 16. there’s a “close in age” exception, meaning a minor can sleep with someone within 5 years of their age. I think this is a pretty good plan. it scares me to think of 14 year olds sleeping with 20 year olds, much less men in their 30s, 40s and beyond. a girl develops so much in her teen years, physically, emotionally, and mentally, that a 14 year old is worlds away from an 18 year old in terms of maturity. at least by 16, presumably you would have completed sex ed and have a little more of your bearings in the world. I say this as someone who lost her virginity at age 15.
I noticed some sad, misguided commenters on the cbc website recommending that teenagers be taught “abstinence only”. how tragic. do you know what would HAPPEN if we started doing that? I’d probably have gotten pregnant, for one thing. abstinence education doesn’t deter people from having sex. having a crazy stalker dad who tried to have my lovers arrested didn’t deter me from having sex either. and my particular crazy stalker dad was waaaay scarier than the idea of God shaking his fist at you from the heavens, let me tell you.
having sex killed my relationship with my first love. neither I nor my 16-year-old boyfriend were really emotionally equipped to deal with our insecurities and other issues. I was dealing with bulimia, and he was dealing with some other things that made it hard for him to be intimate. as a result, our sexual experiences were largely negative and the relationship ended. at the time, I mourned this, as he was, of course, my first serious boyfriend, my first love, my first EVERYTHING. however, in retrospect, that was the best possible thing that could have happened. I actually wish we had broken up sooner. the relationship had to end because we never would have grown as people had we stayed together. the relationship had to end because we weren’t good for each other. we didn’t have the same values, desires, or outlook on life. this became very, very clear once we started having sex.
now, what do you think would have happened if I had waited to have sex until we had married, as per Christian recommendations?
in that case, I would have been legally bound to someone who had never seen a naked woman before except on tv and in (I assume) pornographic images. as a result, he saw my body as flawed. he had never seen breasts before, and thought mine irregular and odd looking. as soon as he saw my naked thighs, he told me I needed to start exercising. this devastated me, and made my eating disorder worse as I tried to conform to the cute little cheerleader image he preferred.
he refused to use lubricant because he didn’t believe it was necessarily for arousal. he thought that I should be wet enough, if I were really attracted to him. in reality, few women get *that* wet and lubrication helps enhance pleasure and avoid pain for the female. because he had no sexual experience, my boyfriend didn’t get it. and I didn’t know any better, either. I thought there was something wrong with me.
he wouldn’t try new things with me, as he had a very narrow definition of what was “normal”. had we waited till marriage, I would probably still be doing it in the missionary position, without foreplay, thinking this was the only “right” way to do it. and I never would have lost my gay virginity because he didn’t support me expressing my attraction to women in a physical manner. I never would have realized a lot of things about myself, and I never would have found the empowerment through sex that I discovered later. all of these things, plus my feelings of freakishness and inadequacy took a toll on me, and just made me more emotional and insecure. I looked to him for support, and he couldn’t give it, because of his own issues with sex. my sexuality became a shameful thing, a barometer of my failure as a girlfriend and as a female in general. I felt like an oddity for wanting it so much, and felt slighted when he denied me. we went for months and months at a time without having sex. had I not moved on and slept with other people, I never would have discovered what I actually liked. I never would have discovered my own capability for self-confidence. I never would have realized my dominant streak, or acted out many fantasies.
at 145 lbs, he thought I was overweight, and so did I. now, at 195 lbs, I feel sexier and more desirable than I ever have. had I not moved on and experienced different partners, I never would have met people who affirmed me and liked my body the way I was; I believe that meeting men and women who were truly attracted to me at every weight has helped to heal my eating issues. through that, I learned also that desire is fluid and has many forms. I never would have realized that my shape, my size, my desires were all completely normal, or at least as normal as everyone else’s. and I wouldn’t have clued in to the fact that it was possible to be treated better. I didn’t have to put up with the things he said and the way he made me feel, but I didn’t know that then. and if we had waited till marriage, I would have already been his wife by the time I found out. it would have been much harder, emotionally and legally, to get away.
sex isn’t the only part of a successful relationship, but don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t vital. it can speak volumes about who a person really is and what they want. it can be a mode of self expression, a way to wordlessly say so much that doesn’t usually come up in conversation. and it allows you to figure out who you are, too. at 15, I definitely wasn’t ready to have sex with an adult, much less be in an adult relationship. but had I waited till adulthood and marriage, I wouldn’t be ready either.
alyssav